the love of my life. (Taken with picplz.)
Never turn down free cake..Congratulations Katie and Cam!! (Taken with picplz.)
The best days of my life were the ones where I didn’t worry. Take me back to those days. The days you could run in circles around the sprinkler of your front yard. Where you didn’t have to dress the part to be accepted. Where money was never an issue; because you didn’t know if you had it or not. Where the most important day was when Santa Claus came to town.
I tend to hide my head in my childhood… not fully grasping the fact that God wants to personally deliver me to the doorstep of my future. Truth be told, I sometimes don’t want to go. I find myself thinking: Don’t wake me up until I am fully grown. (And by fully grown, I mean 30…not 24.)
The concept of being “whole” and living in this “wholeness” is completely unfamiliar. It’s uncomfortable and unexplainable at the same time.
I used to hide behind my efforts and actions…thinking that if I kept myself busy enough in life, I’d end up just fine. (That I would be whole.) But, I came to the conclusion that feeling worn out from the works of my hands is simply not enough. I can work and work, just so people won’t notice me. For the longest time, I wanted to be just another face in the crowd. I can pretend all I want to, but sooner or later, the truth catches me at an inconvenient time. It’s as if I was continually running a race, and was going nowhere at the same time.
In short, endless works do not save me nor do they complete me.
I can’t help but wait and wonder what’s next. Having heard enough praises from man, I wait for the praise of my Creator Friend:
As much as it hurts, and as awkward as it may get… Make me whole.
Help me see myself the way You see me.
May my works be excellent and may my worship be sincere.
May this cup overflow.
“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my mind be pleasing to you O LORD”
(Taken with picplz.)
When I can’t sleep, I write. Maybe this is the 7am delirium talking, but I’m extremely appreciative of the shoes I fill. (No, not the $12 shoes I bought at the flea market from that lady with crutches..the ones that already have a hole in them. Ugh)
I can’t help but almost feel forced to find gratitude for the most cliche’ things in 2011.
I’m thankful for the people that surround me. Even though I don’t truly show it.. my friends, my family, my students mean so much to me. So much that I always seem to be annoyed with most of them. (I’m working on it.)
I’ve always believed that you haven’t truly lived until you have lost someone that means so much to you. As morbid and melancholy as that sounds, I stand on that statement. I’ve lost so many people within the past few years.. whether through the transition of broken friendships, or the haunting reality of suicide.. I’ve lost them. They aren’t in my life anymore for a reason beyond myself. I’ve accepted and grown. I’ve resented and forgiven. I’ve let go.
Before you start thinking this blog has shifted to a point of desperation and complete and utter weakness (which wasn’t intentional) let me assure you that I’m happy. Grateful and truly happy.
I’m happy that God, in all His goodness and sovereignty, saw it fit for me to find Him. I’m grateful that even through a cloudy and doubtful perspective, His feelings toward me have never changed. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.. for You are with me.” (Great, now ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ is ringing in my head) Sorry.. off topic.
If you are reading this.. I hope you find yourself in a happy place. Not the cooky “if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands” kind of happy. I hate those people. But, rather the kind of happy that makes you a better person. The kind that even at the dreaded 7am hour, you have nothing to really complain about.
This is your life. Be happy already.
The best part of being a Mexican is that you are always meeting new family members. (Taken with picplz.)
Missing this guy right about now. (Taken with picplz.)
Best picture of me ever taken. Thanks @jennybeee. (Taken with picplz.)
My self portrait. (Taken with picplz.)
She let herself go. (Taken with picplz.)